I was going to post a happy song, seeing as my mood is kind of melancholy at the moment. Didn't really work as you can see. Oh well, everyone likes James Arthur right?
It's not exactly a specific thing that's getting me down - more like a combination of everything. Maybe I should break it down into groups:
1. University. This is a big one. I spoke a little about how I'm kind of dreading the start of uni before and my feelings towards that haven't really changed much. In actual fact, the closer I get to starting, the more worried and stressed I get. I'm worried about starting all over and trying to meet new people. I'm worried about getting used to the independence of uni and most of all, I'm worried about not liking my course. That last one bugs me so much because lately, I've been questioning my desire to do international studies/journalism. Perhaps it's because when people hear about my ATAR, they start asking my parents whether that's a smart choice or not. After all, I could get into Law, or Medicine (they all seem to disregard the fact that you need UMAT for that). Why would I do something that may potentially get me nowhere? I'm starting to question it too tbh but not for the same reasons. I'm a pretty pragmatic person (even though I may appear a bit of an airhead at times) and this means I really hate uncertainty. I like feeling stable. I like knowing what my next step is. Journalism is so full of uncertainty. A lot of the jobs (if you even get any) seem to be freelance and temporary. I can't believe I'm saying this but when I think about the future, an office job is actually quite appealing to me. It's stable and it's comfortable - that's all I want. God, I can't believe I'm saying that.
2. Tutoring. This isn't a big gripe. I'm still really grateful that I have a job and a relatively comfortable working environment. It's just so much work sometimes - especially when I'm teaching a topic that I haven't learnt before. And the responsibility that comes with educating a whole class of people still kind of freaks me out. I gotta man up though. I mean, I've only got two permanent classes whereas older tutors have like, eight. I don't know how they do it.
3. I have about 3 and a half more weeks of holidays left. Considering how fast time flies, they're not going to last long. I feel really lazy and unmotivated but at the back of my mind, there's this voice telling me to use the time wisely. I should be looking at preparing two term's worth of tutor work so it doesn't start weighing on me when classes start but I just can't bring myself to do that. I should be preparing for uni but seeing as how the topic of uni tends to put me in a funk, I don't want to do that either. I'm not really sure what I want to do to be honest. Staying still makes me antsy but going out seems like too much effort. It's a really strange hole I've dug for myself here.
4. I just feel sad a little bit blue. I think there's an invisible raincloud following me around and raining on my parade for no particular reason. I wish it would go away.
Maybe the uncertainty is all part of growing up. Maybe it's not. I envy all those people who know exactly what they want and how they're going to get there. I used to be like that too but somewhere along the way, I seem to have lost it - that certainty of what you want your future to be like. Or maybe I was just deluding myself and now that I've gotten away from all the confusion of high school, I realize how much more practical I could've been. Fail before you even start. Typical Cynthia.
Sorry for the really depressing blog post guys. They're not always going to be like this. I promise. Perhaps the wrackspurts have gotten into my house and floated into my ears, making my thoughts all jumbled and muddled. Hopefully this thing will blow over and I'll realise my fears are unfounded and foolish. It might just be the nerves talking.
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