A nice contemplative picture to accompany a nice contemplative post
Recently, I've been thinking about the people I surround myself with in life. In my imagination, it used to look like a weird, concentric circle system. For example, in the innermost circle, there were the people I truly loved, have known for most of my life and would do anything for. I don't think I've ever really told them ('cause feelings confuse me and I don't know what I'm supposed to do with them) but they probably know who they are.
In the next circle, there were the really close friends. People who I would unconditionally tell anything and everything to and I know wouldn't judge me for it. Surprisingly, there were people in this category who I barely ever saw. But when we did have time to catch up, it felt like no time had passed.
Then there were the people present in my day to day life who I very much enjoy hanging out with and chatting to. These were the people I tend to see a lot due to university, work or other extracurricular activities. I've been making an effort to know these people better because they are important to me and without them, day to day life would be pretty shit.
And finally, there were the people who were just...there. And I'm sure they're very, very nice people with
interesting stories and lives but we just never had the chance to get beyond the 'Hey, how's it going?'. The universe is sucky like that.
(Source)
An image to accompany my description about the concentric circles. I thought you might have been getting bored with all the text so I put this here to re-align your thought processes. You're welcome.
So that's how I used to visualise the people in my life - as concentric circles. (It's the maths brain). But ever since late last year, my perception of these relationships has shifted quite a lot. The inner circle has still maintained its sanctity and I don't think anything has changed (or will change) that. But the barriers for everything else have kind of crumbled.
There are people in my life now who just...drift between circles I suppose. There is no category for them. They're there and sometimes we're close and sometimes we're not. Same goes for the really close, old friends. I can feel them drifting but if I just reach out a little bit, I feel like I could maybe pull them back into the circle? (Sorry, it's such a terrible analogy.) And then there are people who I've literally only spent one or two days with but in those one or two days, I've told them things that I haven't told others. But perhaps that's why it was easy - because they didn't have any preconceived notions of me.
I think I've been lucky in the sense that there haven't been any destructive people in my life. I've never felt the urge to cut someone off because they were pulling me down or fucking up my life. I went through high school with zero relationship drama - mainly because there was enough of it happening to the people around me and I was pretty content to just do what was expected of me and fly under the radar. I know there are many people out there who've had to put up with so much shit from their families and friends and I don't know how they do it.
Advance Warning 2: This second sections talks about 'love' and weird relationship-y stuff that probably makes no sense to anyone but me so like, feel free to skip it all.
L is for the way you leisurely-run from me...
While we're on the topic of relationships, let's talk about love. Or more specifically crushes because I've never loved anyone in that way. And no that wasn't a remark designed to solicit pity. I figure I will love someone one day, when I meet the right person. Granted, they are taking their own sweet time appearing in my life. And it's not like I can argue that I should be more active because well, the issue is I don't have anyone I'm interested in. So it's a bit of a strange circle of 'should I be doing something about it', and 'what exactly is it I'm meant to be doing'?
I have had crushes in the past though and if I have to be honest, the feeling scares me a little bit. (Side note: the moment I typed out that sentence, I heard Jerome Jarre's voice scream out 'WHY ARE PEOPLE SO AFRAID OF LOVE?' hahaha). If I had to pin it down, I would say it's because when you 'crush' on someone, all of sudden, they are able to easily influence your emotions with the things that they do or say. And because crushes make you more 'aware' of someone, you can't help but develop this sort of like, emotional dependence? I'm sorry if this makes no sense, even I'm having trouble putting it into words.
And the worst part is that usually, the other person has no idea that they're doing this to you so you can't even argue that they're fucking dickheads for manipulating your emotions. It's kind of your own fault for letting it get this far in the first place.
So in conclusion, it's a wholly sucky feeling and I totally do not recommend it. Which is why I've started developing this self-defence mechanism of withdrawing when it seems like feelings from my end (no matter how minor they are) may end up being involved. By withdrawing, I don't mean ignoring that person. I mean just taking a step back, slapping myself upside the head and being a bit more paranoid about how we interact. It's a terrible habit, now that I think about it and will probably ensure that I never enter into any type of relationship. On the other hand, if the other person ever expresses interest, I think I would be too flattered to do any running away. So there's that.
I don't really know how to end this post off. As I said at the beginning, I wasn't setting out to make some sort of grand statement. I was just kind of thinking out loud about some things. If you soldiered through it though, cheers to you. You should get a medal or something.
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