Dear Future Cynthia

Dear Future Cynthia,

I hope by now you would've learnt to stop lying to yourself (and by extension, lying to others). I mean, you're not even a particularly good liar. In fact, you're fucking terrible. Everything you think and feel is projected onto your face; it's no wonder they always vote you out within the first two rounds of mafia.

But yes, I do wish you would stop lying to yourself. Stop telling yourself (and other people) you're fine with something when clearly, you're not. Stop trying to mould yourself into something different when we all know that's not who you are. And most importantly of all, stop pretending you don't want something when the act of doing so is slowly eating you up inside.

I wish you would stop doing that thing - when you try to cover up your real thoughts by smiling it off or saying you totally get it. Because actually no, you know what, you don't get it and neither do you really want to accept it. So dear Future Cynthia, stop saying too little by saying too much. Seriously. It's redundant and counter-productive.

Finally, Future Cynthia needs to stop with the extreme doormat imitation. It is becoming tiresome and really, all you're getting is a whole lot of shit stuck to you. You've always had a tendency to go with the flow and because you're such an airhead, sometimes you don't realise how much of a hole you've dug for yourself until it's too late. And why are you so allergic to the word 'no'? Imagine how much pain you could've saved yourself if you'd said no to the contract extension or, my gosh, to accelerated History Extension (actually the reason I stayed in that class had 0% to do with learning about appeasement and 100% to do with something else lol).

I hope that one day when Future Cynthia goes through her blog archives, she will see this post and think about how much she's changed. (Although let's be honest, only a person willing to cringe themselves to death would actually brave the treacherous and infested depths of their own blog archives). I hope that she's much more confident, self-assured and capable of going after what she wants. Because I think she's pretty cool and awesome - she just has trouble saying what she really wants to say.

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I just realised that I wrote a whole post about being more honest and direct to people...and kind of ended up writing the most indirect and ambiguous letter to myself. What the actual fuck Cynthia. Like, can you not?